Should you compliment others on their weight loss?
I want to kick this conversation off with a story.
Just before the pandemic, I went through a period of unintentional extreme weight loss. I wasn’t training, yet I received many compliments on how shredded I looked. The reality was that I was incredibly stressed and anxious and I couldn’t eat. I was worried about my health and whenever someone mentioned how I looked I felt incredibly triggered. Although the comments were well-meaning and intended as compliments, to me they were a reminder that I was rapidly losing weight and they heightened my anxiety that I might be seriously unwell.
As women, we have spent most of our lives being taught that our worth and contribution to this world is based on how we look. From a young age, we are sold the narrative that if we are slim we will be happy and everything in life will feel better. This is a patriarchal tool and it was created as a means of oppression- think about it- If we are constantly obsessing over how we look we don’t have time to do anything else. The reality is that most of us will never live in the body that society tells us is ‘ideal’ however we can easily become consumed by trying and when we are doing that - we don’t have the time, energy or capacity to smash those glass ceilings. With that in mind, it’s easy to understand why we are so tempted to comment on each other’s weight loss as the most interesting and valuable compliment we can give. However, there are many reasons for weight loss that may mean that a well-intended comment didn’t feel like a compliment to the receiver:
Illness
When our bodies are fighting an illness it can be difficult to maintain a healthy weight. Side effects of medication or treatment can cause weight loss and by commenting on it you could be the traumatic trigger that reminds a person of what they are going through. Whilst you might see the weight loss as a positive thing, it’s unlikely they will feel this way, especially if their illness is very serious. We never know what is going on in someone’s life and assuming their weight loss is intentional can be really harmful.
Stress and grief
When folks go through traumatic life events or are struggling with stress their eating habits will likely change. This can cause fluctuation in weight and glorifying weight loss in this scenario can have a super harmful effect. Imagine if you were grieving and the first thing someone said to you was “you look great, have you lost weight?” You’d potentially be thrown into an awkward conversation you might not feel ready to or want to have. You’d likely feel triggered by your inability to control what is happening around you. We should always be mindful of the battle people are facing that we know nothing about and refrain from unsolicited body-specific comments.
Disordered eating and exercise habits
Someone may be in recovery from or fighting against disorders and obsessive eating and exercise habits. Whilst there are many many contributing factors to these behaviours one of them could be the belief that making their body as small as possible will ease feelings of internal turmoil/trauma etc. when we comment on a person's weight loss in this scenario we perpetuate that narrative and potentially encourage them to further engage in habits that are seriously damaging for their health.
What if you know the weight loss is intentional
This is a question I get a lot- what if you know someone wants you to comment on their weight loss? Or you know they have been trying to lose weight? I would still actively encourage you not to comment on it unless you are asked directly. Whilst someone’s weight loss may be intentional, it’s super important that we all work to forge a world where our sense of self-worth isn’t fed by diet culture. When we glorify weight loss we enforce that narrative that our worth is tied up in our appearance. Intentional weight loss can still have triggering factors around it and there are so many other things we can comment on that are not appearance-based.
What to say instead
If you really want to compliment someone then focus on the things about them that are not based on their appearance. You could say things like:
“You are so powerful, I love the way you lifted that weight like it was nothing!”
“You are such an amazing friend, I always feel so safe with you”
“You have a big heart, I’m really inspired by the compassion you give to others”
“I love how confident you are”
“You inspire me”
“Your energy is incredible, I love being around you”
“I’m so grateful to know you”
How to handle negative self-talk from your clients as a coach or your friends and family.
If you’re a coach reading this it’s likely you’ve come across situations where your clients are speaking negatively about themselves. This can be super tricky to handle sensitively and as humans, our go-to is often to say “no you’re not” to the thing they are hung up on. For example, if your client is saying “I’m so fat and I hate it” it’s tempting to say “no you’re not” but when we do this we reinforce the narrative that fat is bad. Fat is a neutral descriptive word, it is neither bad nor good and the same goes for words like slim and thin. There are a couple of things you can do to support your clients or friends in this scenario:
Reframe
Especially when someone is saying that they are “fat and it’s bad” tell them that you hear them and you understand why they’d think of being fat as a bad thing, given the pressure society puts on us as a whole. But having body fat is not bad and whilst everyone has the right to bodily autonomy we don’t all have to live in slim bodies to be worthy and happy. If you have the capacity you can sit with them and unpack what it is about “being fat” that makes them feel bad. Get them to list the “bad” things about it and you’ll hear the real reason why. It may be generational trauma, it may be that they don’t feel able to do the things they want in life, it may be because they think they will be happier because the media tells them so… in any case, once you know more about their why you can offer proper support, ether that’s from you or by pointing them in the direction of other health care providers.
Check-in
Fat is not a feeling. Sometimes taking a moment to stop, breathe and check in with ourselves can wield incredible results and help you and your clients gain presence and perspective. I often ask “how does that make you feel?” And then “how do you want to feel?” I have never had anyone say they want to feel thin. And even if they did I’d ask “what are the feelings you associate with being thin?” Their answers will likely be things like happier, healthier, fitter, stronger etc and you can then show them how you can help them achieve that in other ways, of which weight loss may be a side effect but not the only answer.
Educate and use inclusive non-appearance-based compliments
Lead by example and as a non-negotiable of your coaching, help to educate your clients with resources around breaking free from diet culture (you can find one of mine here )
Intuitive eating and finding a strong sense of self-worth, pair that with never voicing negative self-talk about yourself and using non-appearance-based coaching compliments like “you are so powerful- I love seeing how your strength has improved” or even highlighting these things on your social media over the usual progress photos and you’ll help make the world a place where our sense of self-worth as a whole isn’t fed by diet culture!
I hope these words have been useful and I’d love to hear if you have any experiences or non-appearance-based compliments you’ve received and would like to share ❤️